A hard night

Last night was a really hard night. I lost it. It was so hard. I was feeling like I was going to throw everything up, but I couldn't. I'm on bed rest and I'm nauseous all the time. At times, it lifts for a little while, but it seems to always be there.

I kept thinking thoughts like:
I can't do this anymore. This is worse than the last two times I've been pregnant because I'm nauseous, but I'm also stuck in bed. I've learned that I really love exercising. I just want to go for a walk, but know that if anything happens to the baby there would be no end to my guilt.

This is awful, but I hate hate being pregnant. I want to love being pregnant. I hear of women who love every moment of it. They've waited their whole lives to be pregnant, but I hate it. I can't pretend I like it one bit. I love my babies, but being pregnant is not fun for me. I think I really forgot how awful it could be. I told my husband, "This is the last time. I think I'm done after this." Do you know what he said? He said, "You said that the last time and the time before that." AAAAH! Why do I want more children? I must forget how painful this time is and just focus on having a three or four kids. Both my husband and I have always wanted three or four. Where do these numbers come from? In all of this, I have to remind myself that children are a blessing from the Lord. For me, pregnancies are not.

On top of all of this I feel guilty for even feeling this way. I shouldn't be complaining. I think of my friend, Mark Mikasa and how he lost his wife, Midi and his son, Nathan. What he would give for another moment with them. Here I am complaining and I have my beautiful family. God, please help me to have a better perspective about it all. I need to learn how to trust Him more. I need to be reminded that He knows what He is doing.