I lost it

So, we had our 12 week appointment with Dr. Chou and the baby looks great! Strong heartbeat and good size. He/she even kicked a lot during the ultrasound. It looked like it was jumping while on it's back. This was the appointment that I was hoping to be set free. Off of bed rest forever. I was very optimistic. I think the part I shouldn't have mentioned was when she asked me when was the last time I bled. I told her yesterday. My mind was so focused on, "So, are you going to let me off of bed rest today?" At the end of the appointment I told her that I have three more weeks of school left until summer and I asked her if she thought it would be OK if I went back to work.

She said, "No. I'm afraid that if you go back to work you will bleed again." I think I looked at her like she had just slapped me in the face. I just couldn't believe it. I'm still having a hard time believing it. She said that she's putting me on another month of bed rest. I couldn't breathe. I almost lost it right then and there, but I didn't. As soon as she closed the door, that's when I lost it. I just walked over to one of the chairs so I could hold onto something and I just sobbed and sobbed.

My husband should have been the one crying, but I was the one crying! I cried for him, for Heidi - my job share partner, for my students-who are expecting me to return this week-, for Ali and Sammie-another month of a mommy who lays around all day, to be honest I started resenting this baby. It's not fair for the baby, I know. But, I just didn't think that he/she would take away "my life."

As soon as we got home, I started worshipping on the piano and the two songs that really hit home for me right now are: Rita Springer's "It's going to be worth it" and Kathryn Scott's "Child of God." There's a line in Rita Springer's song that goes

I'm not looking for the crowns
Or the waters from the fountain
I'm desperately seeking
Frantically believing
That the sight of your face
Is all that I'm needing

And I will say to you
It's going to be worth it
It's going to be worth it
It's going to be worth it all

I'm realizing that being a devoted teacher is a large part of my identity (the crowns.) I'm upset that I can't finish the year off strong like I intended to, like any great teacher would do. Is the sight of His face really all that I need? I've been stripped of the things that I believe I do that make me a "good mom" and a "good teacher." Now I can't do any of these things. It's heart wrenching. When I sing the chorus I'm really asking God, "Will you sing this over me?!" I need to believe that it's going to be worth it all. My heart needs the only one who can say the exact things that I need to hear.

Kathryn Scott's song

Father you're all I need
My soul's sufficiency
My strength when I am weak
The love that carries me
Your arms enfold me
When I am only
A child of God

That's all I am. A child of God. I have been stripped of everything except for this. It's a hard place to be in a world where there are so many opportunities you should be pursuing. What am I doing with these two months of my life? I am not taking care of Ali and Sammie, I am not teaching my 20 students, I am not there for my job share partner even though this is her last year of teaching, I am not doing my share of the work in this family for my husband. What am I doing? I am protecting this life that is growing inside of me. Watching him/her jump was amazing. I need to be reminded that it's all going to be worth it especially since I can't see that far.